My Recovery from a Brain Injury from ECT

This story, my story is a true story of hope for the many people who have been damaged and harmed by ECT (electro convulsive therapy) over far too many years.

To begin, I will mention how my brain injury from ECT affected me. First of all, I could not even read or write any more. This deeply troubled me every day as writing has been a passion of mine since I was 17 years old. I have written many books of poetry, short stories, a couple of longer stories, as well as other writings. Writing was how I was able to express myself in the way I truly wanted to. Suddenly after ECT this was all taken away from me. It was so cruel. I used to look at my bookshelves blankly, at all the books that I had collected over many years, and feel despair as I could not read them any more, let alone understand the storylines and plots. I just wanted to give up. What was the point in living any more if I could not write poetry? It really did mean this much to me. I would try to construct sentences, but I just couldn't do it any more, no matter how hard I tried. When frustration got the better of me, I eventually stopped trying to write as I realised it was only making me feel worse about myself than I did already.

Walking into doorframes was a daily occurrence as well, for I basically had no spacial awareness any more. Doubled with this, I used to fall over without any warning, my legs would just buckle and give way beneath me.

There were so many things I simply couldn't remember how to do, life skills that I had learned when I was young. I could no longer remember how to make a cup of tea, let alone cook a meal. I survived by eating the same microwave meal for over 5 years (yes I could use a microwave, the injury is not consistent in what it takes away). I had lost my sense of taste as well, so even what I managed to reheat was tasteless.

My personal hygiene was gone as well, as I couldn't remember how to wash or even run a bath. Day after day, year after year, I would look into my bathroom mirror, but I didn't even recognise who I was any more. Face blindness is frightening, especially when it is your own. 

When it came to watching television, there really was little point as I simply could not follow plots, or any details for years after ECT.  Even switching the television on and working my way through the channels was difficult. 

Gone also were the days when I could find solace and peace in nature, as I did not recognise where I was any more, and I did not feel anything, no connection, I was that "hollowed out" emotionally. Hearing the birdsong was always a pleasure for me previously, especially early morning and evening times. This was gone as well, for I could see the birds, but strangely couldn't hear them any more. For years after ECT I could hear a loud "white noise" like heavy static in my brain.

Day after day for perhaps 2 years, I used to try to remember my life in order, but it was impossible.  I just couldn't. It was as if all my old memories had been stored away neatly in a filing cabinet which I couldn't access. I was just left with "islands of memories". After 2 years of trying to piece these islands together (something that was extremely important to someone with Asperger's) I decided to stop. It was just too distressing to carry on doing so.

However, I have to mention that throughout this time, despite everything, somehow I had hope. It came in the form of a robin that I used to feed daily in my small garden, before I moved to Hereford from Surrey to be with Jill.

Some might see my recovery from brain injury as a "miracle". It was not. It was achieved through love, endless patience, compassion and truly being listened to, which is what I should have received before I was given ECT after being polydrugged by my psychiatrist.

Arriving in Herefordshire over 3 years ago now, just before the start of lockdown, I stayed with Jill, my partner. Jill spent over 2 years of her life helping with my rehabilitation. I will never be able to thank her enough for what she did, and continues to help me with. Some people are brought together in dire circumstances. Damage brought us together for love found us.

Day after day Jill put in endless miles of patience with love, helping me to relearn all that I had lost after ECT due to the memory issues. It cannot have been easy for her, watching a grown man who she loves learning to tie his bootlaces up, brush his teeth, wash his hair, count out money again, but she did, we did it together. Jill also helped me to start reading again, starting with short poems and moving on slowly to longer reads. I am also writing many poems again. I will never be able to thank her enough for this.

I have also learned how to cook again, and I have started to go to places of interest in my car. Every week I go to the mountains. I love them so much, always have. It's because of Jill that I'm able to walk in the mountains again, as walking was problematic after ECT. But not any more. I am stronger than I have ever been before on so many levels. 

Finally, back to hope. Where there is life I do believe there is always hope. People can make of this what they want. Hope served me well in the end and I now have the best life ever, even before my brain injury. Nowadays I enjoy helping others recover from brain injuries at Headway and Growing Point where I work as a volunteer. They helped me in Surrey when I most needed it, so now I'm giving back.

Jill, you not only showed me how to live and love again after my brain injury. Truth is, without you I would not be here at all. I am truly living and loving nowadays. 

Andy Luff 

23.08.23